READ SOME WOMEN'S THOUGHTS ON LEAVING REFUGE

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

"Here comes another Jane Austen, how very original" is what you're probably thinking right now. But what it has taken me to leave an abusive relationship and come into a refuge has been a story of shame, overcoming prejudices and finding pride and strength in myself.I know some women feel ashamed to be living in a refuge.   For me, the real shame was being in an abusive relationship and allowing it to happen. The relationship was a relatively short one during which my son, now nearly three, was born. Just as the relationship and the abuse got worse day by day, so did my zest for life.   I came to a point where I regretted everything - having met my husband, having had my son and everything else that went on in my life. Though I am only twenty-three years old I felt like sixty-three. I felt like my life was drained out of me and I had nothing but a life of abuse to look forward to. "Now is the time to leave" most people would say.   But who do I turn to for help? Women's Aid crossed my mind but was I ready to disregard the image I had of a women's refuge? I think that was the hardest decision of all. Was I ready to take a two year old and move into a refuge? My idea of a women's refuge was one of a place of depression; a dirty, smelly place where you have to struggle to survive with children screaming and being left unattended - probably because the mums were too drunk or had been taking drugs. I was guilty of prejudice as I made domestic violence a social issue. I associated domestic violence with people from a certain walk of life. But when things reached a point when anywhere would be better than living with my ex partner and having no-one to go to, coming into a refuge was the last resort. I have to admit, I was very apprehensive. Prejudice still prevailed. But deception hit me as soon as I walked into the refuge - even though it was through the back door! All I could see was a large, clean kitchen, a tidy and cosy living room and a few very friendly women. I remember my first question about a particular woman was "How long has she been here?" "Two months", was the reply. "Two months!" I exclaimed, "And she can already be so happy?" It hardly took me a week to start laughing again. I have to say that most of the credit goes to the support I had around me. This includes all the women in the house who made me feel at home straight away; and the members of staff who, when I was weak and vulnerable, fought some of my battles for me. Now, at the eve of moving into my new home, I feel like I have travelled millions of miles towards happiness - and I've only been in the refuge for three months. My self esteem is boosted and my pride and joy lie in seeing my son growing into a confident, secure and stress-free child. I am now leaving the refuge knowing that a woman doesn't stand alone in this world. Women's Aid workers can lift a woman from the deepest and darkest hole and put her on a pedestal. This is exactly how I feel right now and, for that, I will be eternally grateful. June 2003

SOME WOMEN'S THOUGHTS ON LEAVING REFUGE

"This is the best place I could have gone to. I feel happy and secure."

"I had time on my own to think and assess my situation. I felt very safe. I have benefited from the support everybody gave me. I feel very strong now, mentally. Thank you to everybody. You've been great." "I am not alone! Support is readily available from workers and residents in any choices I make. Support is also ongoing via the telephone and drop in centre. I feel more able to make decisions for my future and that of my daughter." "Being here has made me feel a lot stronger in myself and has provided my children with a safe environment. They, too, are stronger from the experience." "I benefited by getting the support I needed while I dealt with my court hearings and refuge gave me a breathing space in safety to find a new home." "Everyone has been so supportive. It has given me a chance to get over everything I have been through. I would like to thank everyone, the workers and the women, for being so supportive throughout my stay." "I feel the support and advice from the staff has been excellent, especially visits to court, housing, etc. I found the support and friendship from other residents very valuable. I feel when I needed to talk there was always someone there. Thank you for your support."

"I hope my stay in the refuge has made me a stronger person. It has certainly opened my eyes to my life. I have made many good friendships here which I hope will continue when I leave. There is certainly not enough publicity about refuges. Perhaps more women would escape domestic violence if they knew how to go about getting away to a refuge. You are worth your weight in gold, but I hope I will be sensible enough in my new life to never be in the position to be in a refuge again!" "I feel stronger in myself and have learned to open up more and to always ask for help because it's out there." "I didn't know where I was going when I left my partner but from day one I was given comfort and support throughout my stay. The refuge is a God-send, without it I'm sure I'd still be at home suffering mental and physical abuse and telling nobody. Please try to advertise more. Too few women are aware of you. If we knew 100% we could really be saved and kept safe there would be less abused and beaten women walking the streets or behind closed doors" "I came to the refuge at a really bad time in my life - as we all do. Without this place and the people in it I don't know where I would be now. You have all been wonderful, really helpful and supportive and I thank you all for everything."

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